My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
