my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
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That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
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I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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