i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
