at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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