It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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