I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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