Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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