She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
