What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
