Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
