she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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