We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
