apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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