Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
My liver just had a heart attack.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
