the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
