life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
