It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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