I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
