This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
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