It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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