I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
