yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
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