my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
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I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
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My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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