My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Randomize
