Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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