someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Randomize
