what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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