my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
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Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
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Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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