I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
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