I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Also, beer. Big fan.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
