For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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