Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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