So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
