Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
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I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
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I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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