We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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