3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
There's always time for handjobs
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
