You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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