how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Randomize
