If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
