woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
