i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
