He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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