I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
She just used a chaser for red wine.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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