She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
