I think I won the penis lottery.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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