To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Randomize
