Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
