he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
