I am in a vortex of obligation.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
