I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"