I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
