Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
