you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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