someone threw a dead crab at me
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
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