I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
