Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Randomize
