If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I would fuck him just for his dog
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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