I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I woke up under a house in Key West
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