You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
