you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
