He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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